Busy Days, Dreamy Nights
My darling reader, thank you so much for sharing a moment with me today. I’ve wanted to start my blog for so long, but simply haven’t had the time between grad school and the delicious invitations I’ve accepted this winter. My free time is precious to me because it is so rare, but in 2024 I’m making connection a priority–and how better to connect than by writing you a letter?
If you’re new to me, hello! My name is Stella and I’m a former print and runway model in my 20s, currently on winter break from an intense graduate study program here in New York City. I developed a passion for research during my science undergraduate work and even though the course load this semester was staggering, I’m so grateful to be learning with and from the most intellectually capable, driven people I’ve ever encountered. I love the process of learning, feeling my mind stretch and bend to accommodate a new idea, and the delight of having something finally click into place. The process of mastery, starting from zero and building slowly until intimidatingly complex concepts become second-nature, gratifies my soul. They say self-esteem is built from esteemable acts, and I feel so proud of myself for making it this far!
I’ve had so much fun getting to know my cohort, all of whom I am impressed by in their own way. I feel honored and sometimes even slightly embarrassed when I realize how singularly brilliant some of my classmates are. I know I’m worthy of my program–after all, I passed the same tests and interviews they did to get here–but even I can feel like an imposter sometimes. Thankfully there’s a deep sense of camaraderie in my group, and every time I’ve been vulnerable with someone this semester not only have they supported me open-heartedly, they’ve shared their own struggles with me, too. I have terrible test anxiety, and almost broke down before my midterm this semester, panicking about what I’d gotten myself into. One of my classmates–who I hadn’t connected with at all at that point–saw me struggling and stepped in, dried my (literal) tears and reassured me that not only was I going to be okay, but that they, too, were panicking (just hiding it better!). I’m realizing no matter how “brilliant” someone appears intellectually, they’re also terrified of falling behind or disappointing others. I was surprised at how quickly we’ve all bonded, but I suppose shared struggle builds connections quickly. Right now I feel just like I did as a child after the holidays–I’m looking forward to the start of school so I can see my friends again!
I have never been more mentally taxed than I have been in these last few months, and it’s made me doubly grateful for the generous, accommodating suitors I allow into my circle. Because my time is so limited it’s forced me to be extremely selective about making new friends, but even when I can’t respond right away your inquiries still make me feel so special. This world is my escape from “real life” (perhaps you feel the same way, too). With the weight of my academic responsibilities, the few hours I can take each week to enjoy dinner and good company have felt sweeter than ever. The support and care my suitors have shown me during this time in my life has been mind-blowing; I am so lucky to be the recipient of your thoughtful gifts and encouraging words. Believe me, the nights I get to spend with you are a welcome respite from the formulas and procedures that fill my days. There have been weeks this winter where the only thing getting me through is the thought of our Friday reservation at Jean Georges!
Well, thank you again for reading this little missive. I hope you’ll check back again soon as I post more on my blog. For my next post, I think I’ll discuss my perspective on “catching feelings'' for a client; I feel like navigating the dynamics of love in a client/provider relationship would be a compelling read. If that’s of interest to you, please sign up for my newsletter and I’ll let you know when I publish it!
Kisses,
Stella
