When does romance become real?
The human heart is a wild, uncontrollable, complicated thing. It’s been my life’s journey to learn my own, but I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole trying to learn others’ hearts many times over the years. There’s nothing like falling in love to cause growth, which can feel like leaps of exhilarating triumph or small soft shifts of tenderness. Sometimes love has hit me like an ocean wave, crashing over me and obliterating my senses for a moment before I pop up again, gasping. Other times it crept up on me in small ways–I once found myself at the deli at 7:00 AM, looking through the cold case for his favorite creamer and wondering “How did I get here?” Love is persistent, omnipresent, and almost cunning–even when I’m sure I’ve conquered it, it sneaks back into my life and ensnares me again. And always, once I’ve had the first touch, the first taste, I drop all resistance and throw myself back into the shimmery high again.
As a hopeless romantic, I’ve found the dynamic of provider/client relationships to be more nourishing, authentic and starkly healthier than traditional “vanilla” dating. Companionate relationships may feel a little cloak-and-dagger at first, but emotionally they are more straightforward and honest than any other type of romance. We both enter into the dynamic with eyes open, ready to communicate our boundaries, and in total acceptance of the others’ freedom. We don’t expect each other to compromise, to constrain or change each others’ path of life to fit our little desires. Our union fits in a sacred container that stays unbothered by whatever is going on outside, and in that way is a relief to us both.
It also means we show up honestly for each other. With my graduate studies, I’m incredibly busy and stressed in my daily life that I’m just not emotionally available the way a “vanilla” boyfriend would expect. My priority is my education and my future career, and I simply don’t have the bandwidth for traditional relationships right now. But the client/provider dynamic, on the contrary, keeps me so happy–I feel loved, adored, and taken care of in a truly meaningful way. I know I can be my best self for you when I have the (limited) free time to do so, and I know you’ll make sure our time together is a delight for both of us. There’s a higher level of courtship, decorum, and effort that goes into these relationships because we both understand the specialness of the experience. We get to be the best versions of ourselves in each others’ company.
It shouldn’t surprise me (but it always does) when I start to catch “real” feelings for one of my suitors. Since I’m so selective and can only accommodate a few dates a month, I only accept invitations from the most well-educated, well-traveled, interesting and generous men. It’s hard to not develop genuine feelings for someone you see regularly, who prioritizes your care and comfort, who takes a real interest in your thoughts and opinions. This sense of connection creeps up on me over time, and before I know it I’m sneaking out of labs to text you a selfie in my protective goggles or pinging you song lyrics while I know you’re in meetings. I can’t believe how much of a mush I can become!
It’s exhilarating and almost terrifying to realize that I’m falling for a client, almost like the ground is shifting underneath my feet. In those moments I’m most grateful for that “sacred container”, because I’m reminded that the boundaries of our relationship apply to me, too. Most of my suitors cross my path after having built full, gorgeous, bountiful lives. I can be secure in playing my part in their story, the same way they play their parts in mine. This helps me keep my focus where it belongs–on my education! And whenever I get too yearning, I just chat with my more vanilla girlfriends and I feel a wave of gratitude for my suitors all over again. I’m blessed to have this much care and attention paid to me, by men who know what they’re doing and know what they want, who are so secure in themselves and in their place in the world. I know how lucky I am to experience this, and I certainly hope to continue in this path at least until I have my PhD. Maybe once I graduate from school I can also “graduate” into a more traditional relationship with one of the exquisite gentlemen I’ve met along the way!
Well, I hope this little passage has given you some insight into my heart and my head. I might write more about my experiences with falling in love within the client/provider dynamic if it proves compelling to my audience. Would you be interested to hear more from me about this? If so please let me know. I do love writing about this topic and I hope you enjoyed reading it, too.
Kisses,